This might surprise you, but the readings today got me thinking about holding a grudge. Let me tell you, I can hold a grudge. Yup, I’m good at it; I’ve had lots of practice. You know what else I am good at? Asking God to forgive my sin. Everyday in prayer, I first ask Him to forgive me for what I’ve done wrong, where I may have not listened to Him or did something hurtful. Glad I can be good at something!

But then along comes today’s Gospel and a line gets me. It’s part of the Our Father which we have all recited thousands of times. Jesus is teaching the disciples how to pray, which is pretty cool, because that’s our Savior right there teaching us. I should really pay attention. It says, “and forgive us our sins,” OK I got that. But then it goes on to say, “for we ourselves forgive everyone in debt to us.” Everyone. This shouldn’t be a surprise to me, but I immediately asked myself, “Do I?” Do I forgive everyone? And see also how the two pieces of this prayer go together – forgive my sins God “for we ourselves forgive everyone in debt to us.” Forgive me because I forgive everyone else… Is the first contingent on the second? 

Well, if we are truly following His path and doing what He taught, we should view the linkage between the two.

OK, back to me and my grudges. Kind of sounds like I don’t forgive sometimes. Another word that is difficult to admit sometimes is hate. Do I hate and hold a grudge, or do I forgive?

I’ve been wronged plenty of times in my life and maybe you have too. I’ve been ridiculed in front of others and was powerless to do much about it. I carry it still, and if I dwell on it, it grinds me, I get aggravated, my blood pressure goes up… Sometimes I let it go and move on… until I pick it up the next time and start the cycle all over again. 

Why can’t I just forgive? Maybe it’s because they never acknowledged it or apologized so it just sits there. They probably don’t even know they did it or have forgotten, so I keep it instead. Pretty stubborn, huh? Forgiving can be hard, but He’s asking me, and you, to do just that. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I need a new formula, a way to forgive as He is asking me to. 

God forgives us in a flash and never thinks of the sin again. I’m human so it’s harder, and I need his help! Finally, I realize this and pray. I take it to prayer to have the strength to let go of it, to hand it over to Him… and not take it back again. He also gives us a key in the Gospel today about how to best pray. He says, “Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.” We also saw in the first reading how Abraham persisted in prayer with God, and the door was opened for him.

For us to really let go, that is the formula – prayer and persistence. One prayer, quite frankly, may not do the trick, but keep knocking on that door. Be persistent with God and be persistent with yourself. Ask Him to help you hand it over… just like we ask Him to take over our most vexing problems. Admit to Him our weakness in letting go, ask Him to cure us of this and over time… He will. Maybe not after the first prayer, maybe not after the 10^th prayer… but He will. Sheer repetition in prayer galvanizes us towards the point of letting go, of actually forgiving. 

Another part of that formula is to pray for the person who hurt you. This does not come naturally, for sure, but it is important. Maybe it won’t feel genuine because of how we feel about them but pray anyway. Persistence in my prayer leads me to more genuine prayer and things start to change. Because we’ve turned to Him and been persistent, He changes us, He gives us that peace that He promises us, peace we are missing because of that grudge, that hatred. Why do we let ourselves live like that? Remember that… 

He is with us always.

He knows what we carry.

He’s standing at the door waiting.

He wants us to ask Him… because He loves us that much. 

So, He’s taken most of my grudges from me, but I’m still working on a few… and then I think about that linkage… and I think I need to go pray.