Let’s play the word association game.

Peanut butter…

Oil…

Thunder…

Forgive us our trespasses…

… as we forgive those who trespass against us.

That’s right there in the Our Father, the prayer that Jesus offered when asked how we should pray.

We ask God for forgiveness and he, in turn, asks us to forgive others. To take what we have been given and then to pay it forward ourselves.

This is also precisely what Jesus is saying in today’s parable about the indebted servants. 

I am drawn to the simple definition of sin as “anything we do that separates us from God”. Our actions, behaviors, choices, omissions… these can pull us further away from the Father. But like the Prodigal Son, we long to be back in his good graces, back in good standing, to be closer. And like the father in that parable, God welcomes us home with open, loving and forgiving arms.

Today’s parable and the Our Father ask us to pay it forward.

Let’s face it… it can be easy to feel wronged and wounded by others. It can be a whole lot harder to admit that we are the cause of someone else’s pain. But we can cause pain… even subtly so. Even without realizing it.

In a week, I’m leaving on a pilgrimage to Spain with a parish group to walk the Camino de Santiago. I received many prayer requests asking if we would carry their intentions with us along The Way of Saint James. So… so… so many of those requests are about fractured families. About the rifts that form. About the space that can exist between siblings, between parents and their children… and which persists.

We can trigger each other, taking something that is stated in the present moment but which can reopen a wound from the distant past. It’s those kinds of associations that can turn almost any words into gasoline on fire. 

As they often say: “families are complicated”.

If you can identify with this, I’d like to share a few thoughts.

First, forgiving does not mean forgetting. I really don’t like that expression – forgive and forget – because it implies that when we forgive, we are sweeping something under the rug, as though it never happened at all.

The opposite is true. Forgiving involves naming the offense. Confronting it. Putting it out there and trying to get to the bottom of what actually caused the hurt. 

Forgiveness does not erase what happened. Instead, it helps us to carry it.

Second, if you find yourself in one of those “families are complicated” places, here is a suggestion. Try not to be triggered… or to trigger. How? Start by listening. Truly listening. 

Listening breaks the cycle of self-protection. It is disarms. It prevents defensiveness, pride, and the instinct to justify ourselves. And it can help the other person to feel heard so that when it’s your turn to share, they will be more likely to take your lead and listen too. 

God is the father who welcomes us home. He forgives. But he asks us to consider those times when we may have… even unintentionally… hurt others.

He asks us to forgive. And to seek forgiveness.

Try listening. 

And try paying it forward.